How not to be a terrible friend

“And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.”

Luke 6:31 [KJV]

Friends

Growing up, I was as much of a loner as possible in a large family. I participated in (most of) my siblings’ shenanigans, but I wanted that exclusive, best-friend relationship I read about in books. You know, that girl-girl relationship where you do everything together, think exactly the same and unite against everyone else.

I don’t know when I first realised that siblings could be friends. Or that your friends were allowed to have their own friends too. Even though we might have some friends who are closer in interests and interactions than others, the Bible says all Christians are “members of that one body” (1 Corinthians 12:12), with “One Lord, one faith, one baptism” (Ephesians 4:5). This common foundation means friendships between Christians can span age differences, life experiences, continents, socioeconomic status and cultures. Yet interactions between friends vary considerably. Some communicate daily; others continue right where they left off two years later. Some have many friends: others have a few. There are also many levels of friendship, and degrees to which you confide in, or depend upon, each other.

We all desire good friendships. But the Bible tells us, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise” (Luke 6:31). If you don’t want bad friends, don’t be one yourself. Sometimes our selfishness and sin can damage our friend’s life and spiritual walk. So here are a few thoughts on common ways you and I can be terrible friends to others.

A terrible friend disobeys God. Jesus said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments,” (John 14:15) and challenged the Israelites, “And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?” (Luke 6:46). When we obey God, we are blessed personally (Matthew 6:33). But those around us are also affected. “When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: But when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn” (Proverbs 29:2). Job’s obedience saved his friends from reaping God’s wrath for their folly (Job 42). The Bible says a fool “trusteth in his own heart,” (Proverbs 28:26), and makes “a mock at sin” (Proverbs 14:9), and that “a companion of fools shall be destroyed,” (Proverbs 13:20b). If you do not seek and obey God’s Word, your friends will also suffer.

A terrible friend is a manipulator. Manipulators seek to control others, typically through deceit. The Bible says, “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another,” (Ephesians 4:25). We wouldn’t outright lie to a friend, would we? Or try to control them? But what emotions surge up inside when your friend tells you excitedly that they had a great time with another Christian girl? Or when they start to text your sister more than they text you? Jealousy, pride and fear of loss can quickly turn friendship into a competition, and ourselves into manipulators who seek to make the person dependent on us. Those who are more vocal and more opinionated, or have a friend with anxious tendencies, beware! When your friend asks for advice, your role is to help them see what God and Bible want them to do in a situation, because “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God,” (Romans 14:12). Sometimes your friend will want you to make a decision for them. If you play God, you are setting up the disastrous situation Paul describes, when he urges us, “That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;” (Ephesians 4:14). Having a friend emotionally dependent on you might stoke your ego but will cripple them spiritually. Surrender your friend to God. You trusted God with your life at salvation, why are you so hypocritical as to not trust Him with your friend?

A terrible friend never challenges. Manipulation selfishly focuses on controlling my relationship with the person; spiritual challenging focuses on my friend’s relationship with God. Proverbs 27 says, “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel,” (v9) and “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend,” (v17). None of us are perfect. We all need to be challenged, whether by a hard-hitting sermon, or a friend’s quiet, “I’m concerned that…” Is what your friend doing or planning to do sinful? Is it a matter of personal conviction? Or is it something that you will have to wait and see and pray about? Rather than coming down dogmatically with your opinion, perhaps ask a question, ask the friend for more details if appropriate, research what the scriptures say on that subject and encourage them to seek godly counsel from a pastor, parents or others as appropriate. And be prepared to accept being challenged yourself as well!

A terrible friend always takes. The Bible tells us, “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do,” (1 Thessalonians 5:11), and “Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ,” (Galatians 6:2). Galatians does not say, let the other person bear your burden, and you bear none of theirs. Friendships are rarely always 50:50. One person typically requires more emotional and physical support than the other at any given time. However, sometimes we are privileged with the friendship of someone like the apostle Paul, who will “very gladly spend and be spent for you” (2 Corinthians 12:15). But if you constantly take, you will set your friend up for burnout. Do you ask them how their week was–and receive more than ‘good’ or ‘busy’ in reply? If they were struggling, would they tell you? Or would they quietly say, “You always have so many things going on that I didn’t want to bother you?” Someone said this to me recently, and I realised I had failed to be a good friend to them during their time of need.

There is much more I could say about friendship. But in summary, the best way to gain–and keep–a good friend is to be one. Remember what Jesus said, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise” (Luke 6:31).