A sister in the Lord - or, how to relate to men

Intreat …"The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.”

1 Timothy 5:2 [KJV]

Hebe Veronica

I recently tried to help someone herd some cattle. However, the cattle clearly didn’t think I looked particularly scary, because now and then a steer would bolt, the mob would scatter in three different directions, and we would have to round them up again. Later, the person I was ‘helping’ said kindly, “There’s nothing quite so unpredictable as a mob of young cattle.”

That comment stayed with me. While I had failed to anticipate which steer would bolt in which direction, the overall tendency of animals—and humans—to go one’s own way is very predictable (Isaiah 53:6). Another area with predictable outcomes relates to how Christian men and women interact. When interactions follow God’s ways, they bring mutual blessing (1 Thessalonians 5:11); when they don’t, issues inevitably occur.

The Apostle Paul recognised the importance of right, Biblical interactions between men and women in the church. He wrote to Timothy, a young pastor, “Intreat …The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity” (1 Timothy 5:2). That is specifically an instruction to a man, but all relationships—such as husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:22-25), parents and children (Colossians 3:20-21), Pastors and church members (Hebrews 13:7,17)—function most effectively when both parties fulfil their responsibilities.

We women should have a heart to help the men of our church do what God wants. So today, I want to talk about how we can do that by being a sister in the Lord, with all purity. We’ll look at this briefly under three headings: my heart, my part, and his part. 

Let’s talk first about my heart. Right relating comes from a right heart. Each of us need a surrendered heart, that says, in the words of the Lord Jesus Christ, “not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42b). True blessing comes through obedience to God’s Word (Luke 11:28), so everything—my preferences, the world’s teaching, friends’ advice, and matchmaker’s schemes—must be tested against Scripture and rejected if unbiblical.

A surrendered heart will result in a settled heart: a woman who will hold to godly principles and trust God’s specific goodness to her, regardless of hormonal turbulence, bad advice, others’ examples, circumstances, or a man’s attentions (or lack of). A single woman recognises that her priority in this season is to care “for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit” (1 Corinthians 7:34b). She will also have a guarded heart. Proverbs 4:23 reads, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” A married woman—even in marital difficulties—guards her heart from emotional dependence on any man other than her husband. A single woman is also careful of both her heart and the hearts of her peers, recognising that natural physical attraction is not a reliable indicator of God’s will (Proverbs 28:26). She will set her heart, and encourage other young women to do the same, on being holy in body and in spirit (1 Corinthians 7:34), and trust God to take care of the rest of her life (Matthew 6:33). A godly woman will also have an others-focused heart. A selfish heart seeks its own desires, but an others-focused heart puts aside the fleshly desire for admiration or preference and instead prioritises the edification of others (Hebrews 10:24-25; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Now let’s talk about my part—how God wants me, as a woman, to relate to the men of the church. First Timothy 5:2 places the emphasis on purity, and for good reason. Many social interactions between single, non-Christian, men and women have either sexual undertones or self-centred motives. Sadly, Christian women can fall into the same traps, because lust (the desire to have) and pride (the desire to be seen as important) are powerful drivers of temptation (1 John 2:16).

So, what does interacting ‘with all purity” look like? It involves the woman making deliberate choices to keep the focus of interactions Christ-centred and mutually edifying. This begins with how she dresses. Revealing clothing says, “Focus on my body”, but modest, tasteful clothing says, “I value you as a brother in Christ, and I want our focus on more important things.” The worldly woman uses physical touch to trigger impure thoughts. But a Christian woman is wise about physical touch with unrelated men. The godly woman is happy to interact in public settings or when others are around because it’s a safeguard against lust and she wants to avoid all appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22). The worldly woman uses flattery to entice a man to follow her lead (Proverbs 2:16); the godly woman gives honour when deserved (Proverbs 27:2; 3:27; Romans 13:7) but does not seek her own interests (1 Corinthians 13:5). A wise woman will also seek to interact impartially with a range of men, and not single out repeatedly a man she is not married to or formally courting. The world (and worldly Christians) tell single women to ‘signal’ their interest in a specific man and “make something happen”. But Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart …and he shall direct thy paths.”

Women struggling emotionally—such as those with mental instability, undergoing trials or having marital problems—can wrongly lean too heavily on an unrelated godly man or pastor. Seeking counsel is wise (Proverbs 12:15), and sometimes we women need to hear a man’s more objective, less emotional perspective. But we need to learn to depend on the Lord, our refuge and strength. If we go to a man for counsel, it must be to hear advice in line with Scripture to consider and apply in our lives. It must not be to abuse the man’s protective instincts, satisfy our own emotional cravings, or take up so much of his time he cannot minister to others. Part of learning to relate rightly as brothers and sisters in the Lord is learning when to share honestly about struggles so we can bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)—and when we need to keep our mouths shut so we aren’t ensnaring a man emotionally and taking his focus off doing God’s will.

In a world seeped with lust, and where there are many men in our churches who have previously had impure interactions with women, purity is more critical than ever. Many actually have to learn that spiritual conversations, wholesome interactions and edifying friendships between men and women are not only possible, but important aspects of being one body in Christ. And the best way they can learn this? Through us demonstrating holy living.

Okay, that’s all I have to say for today for us ladies. While I’m going to leave the preaching about how men should relate to my pastor, I do want to share a couple of things I’ve appreciated about how godly men have interacted with me. Firstly, they’ve related naturally and appropriately—in groups, at church, at events or through conversations. We’ve ministered together, studied together, cleaned the church together, encouraged one another, rebuked each other, and grown together as brethren. Secondly, they’ve been impartial, careful to not make a pattern of singling out a specific woman for repeated attention in public (except their wife if they’re married!). Thirdly, they’ve talked about everyday matters and spiritual matters, clearly signifying that they see me and other women as fellow believers (Ephesians 2:19), not merely romantic prospects. Some of the conversations have encouraged me in my walk with the Lord for months afterwards. Fourthly, they’ve set emotional boundaries: whether by limiting the number of interactions or keeping private matters appropriately private. All these things have made it much easier for me to fulfil what God wants me to do.

Remember, our goal in relating as sisters in the Lord is to honour Christ. When men and women interact in purity, the whole church is edified. May we each seek the Lord’s help to relate as sisters in the Lord with all purity.