All my friends are marrying... and I'm single

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

Hebrews 13:5 (KJV)

I was driving home alone after an enjoyable visit with a young married couple. The sun was setting, and I gasped in wonder at the colours on the sea, sky and hills. “Isn’t that beautiful?” I said aloud.

The empty passenger seat did not reply, and I felt suddenly sad. I thought of my friend and her husband. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone by my side, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death?”

Perhaps fifteen years ago, or perhaps last week, someone said that you would make a great wife and mother. You replied that you were trusting the Lord, and not everyone is called to marriage. But later you sighed and told your cat that there are insufficient (single) Christian men.

I am usually content with friends, family, ministries, writing projects and work. But occasionally I wonder if I am missing out, or if busyness will satisfy me in two- or ten-years’ time. In short, sometimes I feel lonely. That feeling is natural: God created marriage and the desire for romantic companionship (Matthew 19:4-6). But it is also possible that you and I will remain single for the foreseeable future. What do I do when that feeling of loneliness causes unhappiness and threaten to develop into envy or bitterness?

Firstly, remember your relationship status is not a measure of how much God loves you. “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). A real-life spouse might not be interested in hearing your woes at 3 am, but “…through him [Christ] we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father,” (Eph 2:18). Too scared to mention your loneliness to your match-maker Aunt who has been pairing you with losers for years? Simply pray, “Lord, I feel lonely. Help me to keep entrusting you with my future, and to rely on you to lift my spirits.” The Lord will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Create a list of non-negotiables. The foundation of a Christian marriage is Christ and the Bible. Loneliness, shared trauma, escapism, or sexual attraction are not reasons for marriage. There are also non-negotiables when it comes to a future spouse, like his minimum height, the colour of his hair… just kidding. Non-negotiables include that he must be a Christian (Amos 3:3) with leadership qualities (Eph 5:23), capacity to love you self-sacrificially (Eph 5) and faithful to God, his church and people (Luke 16:10, Deut 6:5). I repeat, these are non-negotiables. Sadly, several of my friends have thrown out their convictions as the years pass, “He sort-of believes in God, he’s a really nice guy” one said about the man she was dating. No. he’s a non-Christian, and dating him is disobeying God.

Watch your emotions. This is why the non-negotiables are critical. We ladies know there are certain times of the month we are more prone to emotional decision-making. Wait it out. Take a break from married friends who are still in the honeymoon stage, and those romantic movies where “happily ever afters” happen in 92 minutes and 26 seconds. Get more sleep, climb five flights of stairs or dig out a tree stump instead–they’re more God-honouring than confronting the nearest single guy.

And “let every man [or woman] abide in the same calling wherein he [or she] was called” (1 Cor 7:20). If God doesn’t tell you clearly to be married, stay single. The Bible says single people have more opportunities to serve God (1 Cor 7:34). We single-ites often feel very busy, but the Bible is true– for example, I am doing this blog because I am single.

Perhaps a small ache of loneliness will never leave you. But, in God’s grace, it does not have to be consuming, and singleness can be a time of growth and service for God.