Last Sunday, I asked a couple of Christian girls a question: what are things people say to you when you are single? In a few minutes, the three of us had a list of fourteen statements. But as we read back over the list, one girl said, “A lot of these aren’t just hurtful, they’re actually lies.”
She was right. Even though they had been said by Christians, they were still lies.
Today, let’s look at just five of those lies single women are told.
Lie #1 - God values married women more than single women.
You tell someone you are single, and they respond with That Look. You know the look I mean; that blend of smugness, pity, and contempt she gives while fiddling with her wedding ring. She succeeded at life, and while you, pathetic soul, failed. Right? Wrong. God’s assessment of your worth is not conditional on whether you are married or single.
It is important to value the institution of marriage because marriage was ordained by God (Genesis 2:24), provides a (hopefully) stable environment for child rearing, and pictures the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5). Yet marriage is not guaranteed to be part of God’s plan for every woman. Since God is just, He doesn’t make marriage the measure of your worth.
So, what does God value in a person? Obedience and commitment. Whether single or married, shy or outgoing, a theological expert or a newbie; Christ declares to all Christians, “I am the vine, ye are the branches: he that abideth in Me, and I in Him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without Me ye can do nothing” (John 15:5). Psalm 119:2 states, “Blessed are they that keep His testimonies, and that seek Him with the whole heart.” Remember, too, that single women can often focus more on serving God outside the family setting than a mother can. The Apostle Paul recognised this, saying, “The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit… that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction” (1 Corinthians 7:34b-35). In summary, it’s your heart attitude, not your marital status, that determines how much God can use you. So, if you want God’s blessing in your life, trust and obey Him now where He has placed you.
Lie #2 - It’s okay to have a secret crush on a guy.
God created us with the capacity to be physically attracted to the opposite sex. However, regardless of whether the man you admire is a godly single Christian, a celebrity or a fictional hero, having a crush can cause many issues.
Firstly, physical appearance is not a reliable indicator of spiritual character. When the prophet Samuel wanted to crown the most handsome of Jesse’s sons as the new King of Israel, the Bible records, “But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). If a godly prophet could have it wrong, then a single girl in a hormonal crisis needs to be very careful!
A liking can quickly become an obsession that takes your focus off God, and leads to sins such as flirting, lust and compromise. Even if you think you can hide your feelings from others (and the guy), God “knoweth the secrets of the heart” (Psalm 44:21b). God knows your impure thoughts; those times you can’t focus on the sermon because so-and-so is sitting in your line of sight; and how you care more about their opinion than God’s commands. God calls this idolatry, and tells us to flee it (1 Corinthians 10:14).
If you are struggling with a crush, don’t dismiss it. Acknowledge that only God has the wisdom and authority to choose the right spouse for you. Search the Bible to find out the characteristics of a godly man; and make a commitment to keep your heart only for the man God wants for you. Above all, pray, asking God to help you guard your mind against impurity. May your prayer be, “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).
Lie #3 Marriage is the solution to your problem.
Some people view marriage as the solution to any single Christian’s issues. Are they immature? Marriage will force them to grow up. Struggling with impurity? Marriage will give them a legitimate outlet. Hate submitting to a boss? Marriage is an excuse to quit the workplace, right? Hopeless at managing finances? Marry them to a rich man. The list continues.
Such advice, even if it comes from supposedly godly leaders or parents, is not biblical. There are no scriptures that allow single people to avoid responsibility. Romans 14:12 does not exempt single people when it says, “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.” God wants to transform us into His image through His Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:18). We are all commanded, “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof” (Romans 6:12). If we let sin rule us now, how are we going to have victory over it later? As one married person said to me recently, marriage identifies all sorts of problems you didn’t know you had. Spouses are skilled at discovering character flaws.
So, stop excusing your sin. When God tells you to deal with something, address it now. And then, if you are married one day, you’ll be able to find victory over the new issues you face, because you already know the Lord’s overcoming power in your life.
Lie #4 You have too high standards.
This one has many variations; from ‘You are too closed-minded’, to ‘If you love each other, theology differences don’t matter’, to ‘It’s your fault you’re single, your perfect guy doesn’t exist.’
Unfortunately, many girls do have unrealistic romantic dreams. I remember being shocked when my father revealed he did not go down on one knee to propose to my mother! While storybook romances often differ from real-life romance, no woman should accept in a spouse what God rejects. She should never become romantically entangled with a non-Christian (“And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?” (2 Corinthians 6:15)), a married man (Romans 7:2-3), or a weak Christian who will cause her to be tossed about on every wind of doctrine (Ephesians 4:14).
Every Christian woman has the right to expect high standards of godly character in a future spouse. This goes two-way. For example, if you want a spouse who is hardworking and forgiving, don’t be a lazy and bitter hypocrite. No, he won’t be perfect, but he does need to show love for God, commitment, compassion, maturity, and leadership qualities.
Your spouse’s character matters because they will influence your life’s trajectory. They will either help or hinder your walk with God. Proverbs reminds us, “Make no friendship with an angry man… Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul” (Proverbs 22:24-25). In contrast, blessing comes from choosing a mature spouse; “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20).
Above all, remember it’s not just about the man meeting this basic eligibility criteria. It’s about him being the right one for you. And that’s where you need to wait on God, letting Him prove His “good and acceptable and perfect will” in your life (Romans 12:2).
Lie #5 You are (still) single because you are being punished.
You watch your friends, acquaintances, siblings, and strangers on YouTube get married. And you remain single. At some point, someone says something pointed about marriage being a reward for pleasing God. Maybe you’re single because of sin in your life, or that one time you tried to flirt with someone when you were fifteen, or because your friend/fifth cousin twice-removed messed up with her relationship.
If God has told you to marry a specific person and you’ve rebelled against that, then yes, your sin has made you single. If you are currently wilfully sinning, then yes, you won’t be in the spiritual state for finding and doing God’s will, whatever your circumstances.
However, many Christian women are single because they are pleasing, not displeasing God. Some of them have always been single because they recognise that was God’s will for them until now. Others have unconditionally given up past relationships that they knew were not God-honouring. These are women to be respected, not despised. So many relationships in our world are lust-driven (see Romans 1), and any woman, married or single, who sets a godly example for others and fears the Lord is worthy of praise (Proverbs 31:30b). So, for someone to claim that singleness is a punishment is both ridiculous and hurtful.
The other issue with this claim is that the speaker does not understand God’s forgiveness. Yes, sins of the past can affect our lives years later, but God does not punish us for sins He has forgiven. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Rather than believing the lies of someone who wants you to feel guilty over past sins, believe the God who cannot lie (Numbers 23:19) and loves you so much that He sent His only Son to die in your stead (John 3:16).
Summary
So, in summary, if you’re a single person like myself, learn to recognise these lies and rebut them with the truth of God’s Word. And if you are a married person, please don’t repeat the devil’s lies to single Christian friends, sisters and strangers.
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