“Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”
Ephesians 6:2-3 [KJV]
A work colleague who lives at home with her parents walked in one day and dumped her bag grumpily on the desk. “My parents treat me like I’m a child… I am tired of following their ideas.”
Ephesians 6:1-2 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;”. But the command to obey your parents must eventually expire. Parents are responsible for the outcome when a young child obeys their command, but God holds adults individually accountable for their actions. Second Corinthians 5:10 reads, “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad.” God’s will for you will not always align with parental expectations, and Paul declares, “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29b). At the same time, we are told to “Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake.” Learning to work under parental authority is a good testimony and good practice for when you encounter other imperfect authorities such as work supervisors, laws, church pastors, and institutions.
However, we are urged to “be not children in understanding” (1 Corinthians 14:20) and reminded, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11). Adults must learn to make decisions based on God and the Bible, rather than acting like a child and being over-reliant on another human.
Honouring your parents has no expiry date; Jesus repeats this command to adult audiences (Matthew 19:19, Mark 10:19, Luke 18:20). If you live in the family home, typically your parents will have more input, especially when your actions affect the household. For example, when my sister started working night shifts, my parents imposed a no vacuum-cleaning, no loud music and no noisy visitor policy for when she is sleeping during the day. Was the rule always convenient to me? No, but it was for my sister’s wellbeing.
How does the unmarried adult living at home honour their parents when conflict arises? This can be difficult to navigate, so I asked Christian single-ites across several households for input. Here are some things we have found important and helpful in our different situations.
Firstly, check your heart. One contributor wrote, “Regardless of whether my parent should have made that demand or not, my spirit of rebellion is a grief to the Lord.” Since God has placed your parents in your life, to rebel just to assert your independence is indeed a rejection of God’s sovereignty. Proverbs 23:22 also says “Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, And despise not thy mother when she is old.” To honour your parents means demonstrating respect even during conflict.
This involves both the ‘what’ and ‘how’ of communication. When you’re living under the same roof, communication is essential. Almost out of toilet paper? Coming home unusually late? Communication is respectful and gives parents an opportunity to provide input into your decisions. One contributor observed, “Parents have the benefit of hindsight…and sometimes their perspective of you is truer than your own.” Unfortunately, trying to “reason with my parent(s) and explain why I believe I should do something different,” can quickly become emotionally charged. In such instances, one girl wrote, “I try to not to raise my voice, remain calm, and use indisputable facts… for them to look up (research) and think about.” “If your parents respond negatively,” another wrote, “listen to the why, and respond specifically.” For example, if they are concerned about the financial implications, how about doing a budget analysis?
Another practical tip is to focus on the matter at hand. One contributor said, “You are not a puppet. Whether you accept or reject your parents’ advice, you can’t blame them for the outcome.” But we often start to generalise, and suddenly a discussion about whether you should go to a specific function triggers the airing of old grievances and a relationship breakdown. Learn to stay focused!
Take time to get to know your parents. What? Perhaps you’ve lived under their roof all your life, but do you really know them, adult to adult? Have you asked why they do something, or have you always assumed you knew the reason? “Like any other relationship,” one contributor wrote, “It will only grow if you spend time talking and doing things with your parent.” Clarify what they expect of you.
One common, legitimate, parental expectation is often that you will contribute to the running of the household. Every household member should contribute in some way, perhaps in sharing household cleaning, laundry, cooking, and gardening duties. Many young adults with jobs pay board or contribute financially to the weekly grocery bill. Why? God says it demonstrates our love for our parents: “My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:18). To serve in the church or workplace but not at home is hypocritical behaviour that does not honour God.
And what if your parents still disagree with what you believe is God’s will for you? Perhaps you have prayed, sought Godly counsel, searched the scriptures, waited on God and are assured that God wants you to obey him. In such cases, as one contributor wrote, “I must be careful to not miss out on God's perfect will because of obeying a parental command… Graciously, humbly and with as honouring a spirit as I can (through the Lord's strength) I [must] do what I believe” is right before God.
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