Weapons for good or evil: a woman’s words

“She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”

Proverbs 31:26 [KJV]

I was lying awake in bed one night. My mind kept replaying a conversation from earlier in the day, where I had said something that made another person visibly uncomfortable. Now, I could think of four alternative responses, all of which would have been kinder, wiser and more appropriate than the words I had used. Bother, I thought, I wish I hadn’t upset them. Why can’t I control my silly tongue?

I’m sure we’ve all been in similar situations where our words have had negative consequences. Or perhaps someone else has said something that has hurt us deeply. There are just 26 letters in the English alphabet, and even fewer letters in some other languages. But arrange those letters into words and sentences, and suddenly every person has access to a lethal weapon. From the playground to social media, homes, peer groups, workplaces, political battlegrounds or even churches, words can be used to bully, abuse, deceive, manipulate, and destroy. Words take seconds to say but can bind their hearers and readers in despair and darkness for years.

But those same 26 letters used as a weapon of evil can also be a tool for good. Think about the positive influence of these words: a genuine compliment from a stranger, a loving word from a family member, a gracious rebuke from someone who cares about us, the joy of good news, or the encouragement of a book written by a person we’ve never met. Truly, the Bible says, “a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” (Proverbs 15:23b). Amen! And there are no greater words than those of the Bible, God’s Word, which teaches and enlightens (Psalm 119:105).

I know words can be used for good. I want to use my words for good. But there I was, replaying yet another conversation where my words had negatively affected another person. I started listing excuses. I wasn’t trying to be mean. It was only a joke. People shouldn’t expect me to be perfect. The other person needed to be less sensitive – maybe God was using me to teach them a lesson. That one even made me feel momentarily virtuous!

But the Bible doesn’t accept such excuses. James says of the tongue, “Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God …My brethren, these things ought not so to be” (James 3:9-10). Words might be many women’s weapons of choice, but God sees sins of the tongue as serious. In fact, a husband is disqualified from being a church deacon if his wife slanders others (1 Timothy 3:11). James also reminds us that no matter how spiritual we appear in other areas, the tongue “defileth the whole body …and is set on fire of hell,” (James 3:6b). There are many verses in the book of Proverbs on the power of words, with this verse is included in the Proverbs 31 description of a virtuous woman: “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness” (V26).

We should all aspire to be like this virtuous woman, because godly character pleases the Lord and benefits others. But my words are not always wise or kind. Sometimes I wish I could edit my words the same way I can edit a text comment. Or maybe just press the delete-message-for-everyone button. In such moments, I wish time travel – even just as far back as ten seconds ago – was more than just a fantasy. Since we can’t do any of those things, it would be better to say the right thing in the first place.

How do we ensure we say wise and kind things, no matter what we feel in our hearts? Do we just fake it? No. Not only does the Bible strongly condemn hypocrisy (Matthew 23), but we would never be able to pretend long term, because, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matthew 12:34b). So how can I make my heart wise and kind? I can’t. Wisdom and kindness don’t originate in me. Proverbs 2:6 says, “For the Lord giveth wisdom,” and James 1:5 elaborates on this, saying, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” Gentleness, a word also translated kindness in the New Testament, is listed as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22. Wise and kind speech is only possible if we are Christians indwelt by the Holy Spirit, and if we are walking in obedience to God. Independent of God’s enabling we cannot control our tongues, but by God’s grace, we can learn to be women who open our mouths with wisdom and are governed by kindness. With this foundation, let’s look at some practical aspects of speaking wisely and kindly.

A wise tongue is a controlled tongue. James 3 likens the need for our tongue to be controlled to the need for a rider to be in control of their horse. If horse or tongue runs wild, the results can be disastrous, but if under control, both benefit us and others. I can think of multiple occasions where I said or wrote something impulsively that unfortunately (but perhaps not unexpectedly) inflamed a situation. Speaking wisely involves first listening and asking questions so we understand the issue, with Proverbs 18:13 saying, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” Sometimes this involves choking back that hasty, emotional answer that first comes to our lips, and waiting until the passion of emotion has dulled sufficiently for us to respond appropriately. “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise” (Prov 10:19).

Speaking kindly is also a form of wise speaking, because kindness does much for maintaining good relationships and achieving good outcomes. Proverb 15:1 reminds us that, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” It’s a Biblical command too, with Ephesians 4:32 saying, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” Kindness involves speaking truth, but being considerate of the setting, the words we use and the other person. Sometimes this involves tough conversations. For example, a manager at work once took me aside and explained I would need to correct some work I had submitted. She could have written me a blunt email, raised my mistakes in front of the whole team, or quietly fixed the issue, but instead, she kindly took the time to sit down with me and go through the errors. That’s kindness. Proverbs 14:1 says, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” It doesn’t take much skill to bulldoze a building haphazardly – why, an out-of-control truck knocked down a brick wall near where I live a couple of days ago! Similarly, one out-of-control tongue can damage another person. But a kind tongue can edify and encourage. It’s something we grow in as we walk with God, trusting Him to transform us from inside out to be more like Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18).

It all starts with commitment to being the women God wants us to be. May the Lord help each of us to grow and become a godly woman who “openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26).